A Thrilling Ride on the Ego Train

I have been having some odd experiences and I think I may know what is going on. I am being taken to a place where I experience the basic spiritual principles, but in an accelerated, intense, and quite visceral way. And I believe this is happening to me so that I can then share these experiences with you. 

It’s not that the ideas, the principles, are anything new to most of us. But these experiences make the difference between intellectual knowledge and actually living it.

Here’s what happened. I read an article in the newspaper about a spiritual counselor who was working at an upscale spa and resort.  Since her work was so similar to what I do, it gave me the idea to approach an establishment local to me. I spent hours crafting a great inquiry letter and then sent it off. 

Now, this is the place where Buddhists and Hindus and probably every other Eastern religion would tell me to “relinquish your attachment to the outcome.” I had seen an opportunity and taken courageous action and now, except for an appropriately timed follow-up call, it was time to let the universe handle the details.  If it was meant to be, it would be—and all that.

But that isn’t what happened. Instead, I was suddenly and surprisingly swept up into desire, a desire thrilling and intense.  I saw myself not only exploring the opportunity I had presented, but then, after achieving great success in that, moving onward and upward to a level where I was—well, let’s just say that ‘grandiose’ might be an appropriate word for the position, status and wealth achieved in this amazingly powerful fantasy.

I have to say, this was really, really fun. It felt like falling in love. Instead of that calm, peaceful place I go to in my meditations, I was riding the ego train all the way to the top. I remember thinking, “Oh this is so much better than just being calm and objective!”

I woke up the next morning with that old feeling I had when I had met someone fabulous and we had a date planned for that night. Excitement.  Anticipation.  Why, anything could happen! My whole life could change in one day! Again, I thought, “Oh, this is so fun! I have missed feeling like this!”     

I went to my email with a trembling heart. There was no response.

As the morning went on, doubt began to descend. They probably had lots of suitors, what made me think they would be interested in me?  Even if they did call, I didn’t have anything to wear.  And after all, how could I wear the beautiful clothes I saw in my fantasy at this weight?  But they wouldn’t call, I could see that now.  Every past disappointment flooded through me and told me it was no use.

And as the self-doubt grew I began to slip into a deep well of depression, going as far down as I had been up, the ego train revealing itself now to be a roller coaster on an uncontrolled downward trajectory. My energy was completely depleted.  All I could do was drag myself around and try unsuccessfully to nap. Oh, what a long and miserable day that was!

And now, today, I am myself again, feeling balanced and whole, my energy reserves restored and clarity flooding into my mind.  I finally, really and truly, understand the principles of ego and attachment. They revealed themselves to me so intensely, first in the smiling mask of yearning and desire and then the dark frowning mask of disappointment, loss and despair.

And here’s the really amazing thing. Absolutely nothing actually happened. Such is the power of the hungry, ego-driven mind. Nothing really happened, yet I had a really awful day.

From my normal vantage point today, I see that possibly the worst part of the attachment was the loss of power. The minute that I chose to pin my happiness on what someone else might give me, or how they might judge me, or even simply on how the cards might fall, I was lost.  I was like a teenager who couldn’t dance unless someone asked her to the prom. 

So now I thankfully return to the simple joy of being alive, grateful for each breath and feeling the power of owning my own peace and joy. And after all, if it is meant to be, it will be—and all that.

But I may just check my email one more time…


Sandra Smyre 23rd July 2013 12:33 pm

Thank you for your honesty--something so few wish to share. I too, am so aware of ego right now and am thanking it for the journey thus far, but coming from that place less and less. May your day be filled with bright and beautiful Light, Sandra

Deeni 23rd July 2013 1:41 pm

Well, dear Carrie . . . due to your 'Ego Train' ride, you managed to pass on some very VALUABLE information to me.

Thank You so much for this message, as I have been working diligently at getting off my 'Ego Train' and your message this day has helped me immensely.

Thank You, Carrie.

Much Love and Light to You, and All.

: ))

bluefeatheryone 23rd July 2013 4:21 pm

Thank you so much for so vulnerably sharing, Carrie. I think it may have been Brene Brown in "Daring Greatly" who said something along the lines of "vulnerability is the first thing I want to see in you, but the last thing I want you to see in me." So very true. I can most definitely identify with all that you have shared here within this message & struggle very much with the same thing! I truly find it to be a daily moment to moment struggle. I have gleaned so much for your message & am grateful for your openness. Getting off the ego train is really difficult for me! It's almost funny - but not - how miserable I can make myself sometimes by all the "what-ifs" & such & by how much value I place in what others think of me or fear what they might say about me. I give them too much power. Thank you for reminding me of this. I really need to work on it. Much love to you! <3

Debra A 23rd July 2013 5:21 pm

I had to laugh. Your experience exactly matched mine from last week except for the object of my ego. I was quite caught off guard at how quickly I could abandon everything I knew and was and jump on the train. Kinda scary but a great learning experience perfectly designed by ME!

Satya 23rd July 2013 6:47 pm

Very insightful. A joy to read!

rose_p 23rd July 2013 7:21 pm

LOVE IT!!! Thank you so much for your honesty and well written post Carrie. A timely reminder to release all attachments to outcomes. Brilliant !! Xxx :thumbs:

Arijana 24th July 2013 9:42 pm

Thank you Carrie! Firstly, bless you for believing in yourself. I had a very similar experience, only after the email I followed-up by entering the store and personally introducing myself only to find the business cards I had dropped off the week before were left to linger at the bottom of a draw. I was heartbroken asking the light for guidance, not understanding why my heart driven intentions to help and assist others was being prevented. I wanted to reach out past the circle of people I already knew in my life. When I physically removed myself from the store and turned the corner (in that moment of distraught grief) I was greeted by a lady in a fairy costume outside a used bookstore. She waved me down with her wand and generous smile to give a lovely compliment on the hot pink pants I was wearing :) It was then I understood I was being watched over and asked to retain my faith in the divine order and timing of it all. With that I smiled back at the fairy and my thoughts rested in comfort. Watch for the signs xxx

wapani23 29th July 2013 12:45 pm

I so get this! Thanks for sharing. Perfectly describes that ride and the fall. I call the fall my playpen mode where I am sitting and throwing all my toys out. It seems learning to grow up spiritually brings moments of real clarity of what we do to ourselves and others to create pain and misery. Ugh but with a sense of humor and gratitude we survive them to learn. If you ever want to read something funny/right on with this, CS Lewis Screwtape Letters. One of the beat warnings I ever got especially if I intended to work with people in fragile areas. Thanks for sharing!!


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Carrie Hart

I was raised in a non-religious family and for the majority of my life, had no particular interest in spiritual exploration.  Yet spirit came to me, unbidden.

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