My personal story

It’s been almost a year since I sent out my last newsletter and it has been a rough year indeed. I went through a very intense period of experiencing illness, fear and depression. I did not work and felt completely cut off from the world for quite some time. In hindsight, there was meaning behind this very difficult transition process, but it sure did not feel that way when I was passing through it.

In this newsletter I will tell you a little more about the process I went through because I believe that many lightworkers across the world are going through something similar. It seems to be a time of great purging for us and although it is quite hard to keep your faith during this purgatory process, there is meaning and purpose to it.

Jeshua is telling me that we have to go through it, allowing ourselves to be turned inside out and upside down, to really understand what light-work is about. One of the fruits of this process is that it enables us to become much more compassionate teachers. When you descend into the darkest corners of your personality, when you allow the darkness to enter your conscious awareness, you become humble in the right sense of the word. You understand the extremes of human emotion and behaviour from within. All grounds for judging others or even yourself fall away when you truly face your own darkness. It is then that you realise that you are first and foremost human, just like everyone else.

As a human, one participates in the realm of duality, and the art of living on Earth is to accept and even celebrate this, rather than transcend and rise above it. This may sound strange because weren’t we expected to move beyond duality this time? Isn’t that what spirituality is about? I now believe that it is far better to accept duality than to want to transcend it. The urge to transcend duality often betrays a lack of respect for reality on Earth, the fear to truly surrender to it, and a slightly condescending attitude with regard to people who are not ‘working on themselves’ spiritually. I surely was guilty of all three. But I think this has been a pitfall for many lightworkers. The paradox is that once you truly embrace duality as the way things are on planet Earth, you are not struggling anymore with your own nature, and this can be such a relief, that one feels like having moved beyond duality after all!  

Having done a lot of ‘inner work’ (by means of regression therapy, healing, meditation, channeling) during the past eight years, I thought I kind of knew my dark parts and had more or less transcended them. Well was I mistaken! It took a year for me to realise that it is wiser for me to embrace and make peace with the dark side of me, rather than fight it, because fighting it made it worse while accepting it, finally, gave me a deep sense of relief and a new awareness of the miracle of life.  

For me the process started in the spring of 2009, when I struggled with a persistent stomach inflammation (gastritis) which became ever more painful. I especially suffered from acid reflux, which caused a burning sensation in my throat all day and all night long. I had begun to experience problems with this two year earlier, and I knew that it was mainly caused by the stress I felt as a result of my growing practice.

Although I loved my work (offering workshops, public channelings and individual consultations) there was a lot of fear and insecurity in me, which would rise to the surface every time I had to do a channeling or reading. I would feel fear of being ridiculed, not knowing what to say, not having Jeshua come through, in short fear of rejection. This fear did not disappear when I started doing more workshops and consultations, and it caused a lot of stress in me. As a result, my stomach signalled me that it was too much to digest. I did not listen to it for a long time.

In May 2009 the pain became very hard to bear. I went to the hospital and was diagnosed with gastritis (inflammation of the stomach). The medicine I was taking did not help nor did my strict dietary adjustments seem to have any effect. In the summer months, I started to become afraid of the physical pain and I could not sleep very well any more. I cancelled all workshops and consultations and after some months the pain subsided. However, the trouble wasn’t over. Now fear became the main problem. I was experiencing intense fears running through my body, which had no clear cause. I was not seeing many people anymore because I wasn’t working, and my stomach was getting better, yet the fear remained.

In the past, I had done a lot of regression therapy and I knew that this unexplainable fear might very well be caused by past life trauma. To be honest, I thought I had largely dealt with this past life trauma but I now found out that although one can understand the trauma with one’s mind, the emotional scars take a lot of time to heal. The fact that I had such fear of channeling and speaking in public, was related to past lives in which I had done something similar and had been rejected and even persecuted for it. The fact that I knew this to be the case was however not enough to make the fear go away. I decided I just had to experience the fear, let it pass through me so to speak. My husband Gerrit had experienced similar fears some ten years ago and he found out that when he said ‘yes’ to those fears again and again, welcoming them as a part of his soul that wanted to be healed, they became more bearable and eventually subsided. Jeshua has said the same thing in several channels, and I read some other books which basically stated the same.

However, the plain fact was that I couldn’t. I simply could not accept the fear because it felt so bad. I had never experienced this amount of fear before. It caused chronic hyperventilation and the sleeplessness became even worse in the fall of 2009. In the end, I hardly slept anymore and the distinction between waking and sleeping faded away. My perception of reality became distorted and I feared that my mind would never work properly again. I also became very depressed. There was a gloominess and basic distrust of life in my soul which I had always known to be there, lurking in the background so to speak. It now came from its hiding place and manifested itself as a dark state of mind in which I closed myself off from the world completely.

I felt disconnected from my husband and 8 years old daughter as well as from my heavenly guides Jeshua and Mary. I was completely alone and felt there was no place for me in this world. I thought I had to disappear and I felt completely worthless. I was losing a lot of weight and I was basically doing nothing all day long. Time went by incredibly slowly and one hour seemed to last a day. The worst thing was that during the winter months, I almost felt nothing at all. Whereas I had been very sensitive before, I now seemed unable to feel emotions in my body. This was very eerie and I now realised that it was much better to feel fear than to feel nothing at all.   

In the early spring of 2010 things finally changed. I accepted help and treatment by a psychiatrist. I rejected all he said at first, and felt uncomfortable with the medicine he prescribed. Nonetheless, bringing the problem out in the open did create change, even if it was painful and embarrassing. To my surprise, my friends and family supported me all the way through, even if I was hostile to them and did not answer their telephone calls and letters. People kept on sending post cards, some women organised a healing circle, and my dear husband and daughter stayed close to me even if my behaviour became erratic and irrational (I’ll spare you the anecdotes ;-).

It was an incredible experience for me to find out how sweet people really are. While I felt alienated from myself and ashamed of being diagnosed with a psychiatric disorder, my family and friends still saw me, even if I did not. This has been a deeply healing experience for me. My basic distrust in life was simply refuted by the kindness of the people around me. Thus, I experienced healing for my inner wounds in a way I never expected. I now realised that people really liked me, stripped to the bare bone, which in my case could be taken quite literally ;-) as I weighed only 92.5 pounds/42 kilo.

I now feel welcome on earth and I savour every day. I enjoy the intimacy I feel with my friends and family now, I am grateful to feel the connection with Jeshua and mother Earth again, and I also love the little things of daily life, like seeing a flower burst open, feeling my daughter curl up against me in the morning, or watching my cat having a good stretch. This is where I want to be. I feel deeply grateful for life on earth.

The dark side of me, like anyone else’s dark side, has to do with my fear of living. I basically distrusted life on earth, especially other people, from the day I was born. I know I am not alone in this, for many lightworkers alive today entered this incarnation with similar feelings. I recently channelled a message from Jeshua for a friend, who also struggles with deep fears which seem to have no cause. I will end by quoting Jeshua’s words to him, because I feel they are applicable to what many lightworkers are now going through. (The message is addressed to a male person, so therefore Jeshua speaks of ‘he’, the ‘inner boy’ etcetera.) 

Jeshua on dealing with fear:

“The fear you are experiencing is the deepest fear a human can face: the fear to live.
People think they fear death, but they actually fear life, because life is a strong, unpredictable force that leads you past the highs of love and joy and the lows of fear and loneliness. Life is about feeling.
You are afraid to feel your fear, because you think it will destroy you.
However, this thought is simply fear in another form.
The only solution is to face the fear, let it be, embrace it as it is. It is part of life.

To be able to live with your fear, you need to make a decision.
It is the decision to live, specifically to live on earth right now. This decision cannot be made for you by anyone else. You have to make it and it must come from your heart: your feelings rather than your thoughts.

Deep down inside of you there’s a little boy waiting to be welcomed and caressed.

He was not received by his earthly mother in a way that made him truly feel loved for who he was. He does not feel at home on earth. He is also carrying past life time grief inside.
This little boy has felt betrayed and abandoned by life. He is not sure he wants to live on earth ever again.
He is now asking you to reach out to him from your heart. Your fear is his voice calling you.
To embrace life on earth now is to embrace this little boy inside.
Would you want anyone else to take care of his wounds?
Would you want to hand over this precious child of yours to anyone but yourself?
He is waiting for you.

What he needs from you first and foremost is your acceptance. He wants you to take responsibility for him and tell him that you are there for him no matter what. He needs to know that you are there even if he keeps on crying and being afraid. He needs to know you will be there unconditionally. Only then can he relax…

You see, you cannot make his fear go away through any outside method. The idea that he needs to be healed or ‘fixed’– with the help of healers or healing methods – may make him feel there is something wrong with him. He may feel rejected by it. He has no trust in life. The only way his trust can be restored is by you being there even if he remains afraid. You must accept him unconditionally, and only then will this wounded child receive true healing.

If you truly embrace this inner child of yours, he will bestow you with many gifts among which the greatest is to find joy in life again, to enjoy the ride between the highs and the lows, to feel safe and at home on earth right now.”

Warm regards,

Pamela & Gerrit


osprey 8th May 2010 1:29 am

Thanky U so much for sharing your story. I think it will help a lot of people.

Peace from Denmark Osprey

Renaat Vermeir 8th May 2010 6:48 am

This is a beautiful testimony of a genuine spiritual teacher. We all can recognize the aspect of fear in our personal lives, the cause will be different but the mechanism will be the same.
Jeshua’s message how to deal with fear is a very profound teaching.
Pamela’s channelings of Jeshua in the book “The Jeshua channelings” are a complete spiritual life teaching and I would recommend all to study this book.
Thank you Pamela for sharing your experience and knowledge.
Renaat – Brugge (Belgium)

Judi J 8th May 2010 7:31 am

Your message is most helpful. I send you light with well wishes. The process can be so difficult, but I too have been and am going through it and see the many rewards. I can so relate. We truly must embrace 'self' and each day as a great gift. There is so much in each new package that comes with the dawning of each new day. Bless your heart. JJ

Sweet Laughing Water 8th May 2010 8:09 am

thanks a million for sharing your story sister. I totally agree with all you say. I made the same experiences and also understand why one has to go through these stages.

Love & Light

johneblums 8th May 2010 8:16 am

Welcome to the experiences of spiritual re-wakening. I went through similar emotions and feelings as I accessed my akashic records from my spiritual DNA consciousnes, both in dreams and while awake. Sometimes the download of energy was so intense that I had to walk around in bare feet or bath in water to dissipate or share my energies with mother Earth. That is now past and I have reached the PLATE-AU where I have become a Binary integrated being with my celestial twin partner, feeling her constant presence around me as well as seeing her and communicating with her in my dreams. Everyone will have to go through similar rough patches, without exception, if they are to become fully spiritual conscious beings and aware of their celestial Ver-gen-esis. This involves accessing the spiritual Gene of Isis, ie the Throne Energies of Pur-et-y, the spiritual fire (pur) of the Eternal Flame of God-dess.

FutureNow 9th May 2010 8:34 am

I understand so much of this--the pain is great at times
yet i feel saddened that so many believe in illness and diagnosis of th mind. I only see beliefs, not labels--there is no illness! Only belief in it, because the MIND wants to make it into a box and call IT something.

there is no illness-- and most Doctors only see from the mind, legal drugs are an epidemic-- i have seen shut people down--they cant grow in spirit on these drugs...
ahh ascension is hard--I have lost everything so i know the pain, but i know the spirit in me heals all--eventually

the body heals itself--all of it

reading this makes me a little sad, but I see a world without these limiting beliefs... I see it as thriving and enjoying and feeling and free and no belief in illness---this is what i live now more and more :)

take care i think i am done reading time to create in my world!

take care all
believe all is well and keep on moving through,
bye now

Nita 8th May 2010 8:56 am

Thank you Dear Sister for your authenticity & Honesty!! You are certainly not alone in your experiences!

Honor - Infinite Love & Gratitude

DonH SA 8th May 2010 9:38 am

My Dearest Pamela. I so misssed you & your Jesua channelings. Naturally overjoyed to have you back. And tx for sharing yr exp with us.
I too am attached to Yeshua; I too went through similar & a breakdown the past year, ending up with similar symptoms: I am only now beginning to see light at the end of the tunnel, not being at the end yet, still being in an earthly broken state. I must ask myself if my exp was fear based, or what? I can however say it has brought me to a complete change, granting more space to self & others, in all & from all spectrums.
I wish you strength & boldness in yr future contribution to people. By the way, a recent channeling from Gillian MacBeth-Louthan, which I call THE RIGHTERS (forgot her title) gave me direction re changing my life experiences…and it is working for me!
Ek is lief vir jou! Vanuit Suid-Afrika

anje 8th May 2010 5:14 pm

Hope you find ever more resolution to your story... it does seem to me that this is quite universal now, and knowing we don't go through it alone definitely helps a lot for the comfort zone.
Hopefully you and all who depend on meds for clarity and healing will also get to the stage where that's no longer necessary. Seems to me, using meds indicates you have not yet scraped the bottom of the barrel...but a time of relative inner peace using them may lead to another season of emotional purging and than to a permanent resoution where our minds and bodies function without 'help'.

joshua291185 8th May 2010 5:39 pm

wow, you took the words out of my mouth. my experience has been similar to yours. i feel that these fears are personal and communal. they are tailored to our specific experience, but a communal energy at it's core.

i personally have felt reluctant at times to express fully the depths to which this process has led me. it seems incongruous that ascension should lead one into the dingiest and darkest corners of the psyche and soul, and many in the new age community like to downplay the down and dirtiness of it all.

in a way, it makes perfect sense that we should bring all these aspects home (including the dark one and the wounded child) and redeem them (in the sense of restoring the honor or worth) and ourselves through unconditional love and acceptance. this is the unification of the aspects, and the beauty of it is the divine grace which bypasses all perceived "sins", and uses love and acceptance to achieve that which we did not believe was possible. what this grace achieves is unconditional self-love which portends well for a future where we can all love each other.

angelika 10th May 2010 9:05 am

Hi Pamela,
Wow, and here I was thinking I was (more or less) the only one feeling like this. I'm grateful to your friend and his reading, it's been good for me too.

Still haven't quite worked through all these fear aspects, and scraped the bottom of the barrel : ), but I'm getting ever closer.

Sometime it takes a while to recognise stuff as fear, it's been such a normal part of life.

Ron Laswell 11th May 2010 10:40 pm

My first reaction was disbelief that it has been 1 year since your last posting. Although my personal situation was not as severe as yours, I, too, went into emotional transition with tremendous intensity in Jan 2009, which coincided with the Eclipses. As an extremely sensitive person, the Eclipses always have an intensely strong impact upon/within my nature. Lately, I've realized that even as a child I knew about these energies, but back then, it was only a dream, whereas nowadays, the dream in becoming a material reality. Welcome back, Pamela. Your story really touched my heart's energy, and likewise, I will send you a wave of renewing heart-light energy your way.

soulofwolf 22nd June 2010 3:04 pm


I just wanted to say thank you for your time and effort with the changelings. In reading the changelings, I have always found something immediately relevant to my situation and this time is no exception.

My life somehow became a country song over the last few months - I won't bore you with the details - but your changelings and this posting have helped bring me focus and hope.

Thank you so much for your efforts.


GottaLoveIt 16th July 2010 3:14 pm

Thank you for sharing this story.

I, too, can relate so much to this. It hit me very hard in fall 2009. Everything really collapsed on me with fears being so great. I have felt that it has been part of "Dark Night of the Soul" recently....

Anyway, I did have this experience with myself where I wanted to get to the core of what this was all about, and in my mind's eye, I connected to this shaking baby who was thin and so sad looking - she needed to be held and loved. She (I) was scared shitless of living....and so I remember experiencing taking her in my arms and healing her.

I am still in recovery with mental illness as well, also seeing a therapist and psychiatrist....

And, yes, sometimes feeling afraid to just LIVE. Yup.

I honor your courage to share.

It is more beautiful to hear the human stories than the channeling of others....


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Jeshua Channelings

Jeshua Channelings

On this website, we present spiritual messages about inner growth, the christ energy, lightworkers, the new earth, and the transition from ego based to heart based consciousness. These messages have been received from an inner connection with Jeshua. “Jeshua ben Joseph” is the original Aramaic name for Jesus, the personification of the christ energy on earth. In these channelings, he presents himself as Jeshua, a brother and friend to us rather than the deified authority that tradition made out of him. His energy is still available to us, not so much as a fixed set of ideas or rules but as a pointer, showing us the way to the Christ within.

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