Moving down pathways, twisting and turning,
through caves dark and cold,
dreariness seeping through my pores
making me feel tired and old.
Depression, defeat, despairing and lost,
all of my deepest disempowering thoughts,
condense into self-hatred, anger, and grief.
There is no relief
This poem flowed out as I was thinking of how I felt the last few days of February. That last Sunday was a cold, gray, rainy day, the kind of day that holds no comfort. It bore feelings of such profound discouragement and a bit of piteous wailing rose up inside of me. All I do is for nothing. I’m just mediocre, everything I touch is just semi ok, there is no wonderful genius in me, I suck at everything. Sounding suspiciously like me in my pre-teen years, a cold fog of feelings surrounded me, compressing me into a hard lump of despair, anger and resentment. All the feelings I never want to feel and don’t want to look at were amplified. Yes, my shadowland.
And then I wondered, “Is there a solar flare happening?” I’ve come to notice that I feel the magnetic fluctuations of solar activity. I think we all do, actually. It stretches me taut, makes me irritable and brings up feelings of discouragement. So I went to spaceweather.com and sure enough, there was a G1 class geomagnetic storm – considered a minor storm – causing “minor impact on satellites, weak power grid fluctuations, affects migratory animals.” It didn’t feel minor to me, that’s for sure.
Most of you reading this probably know that solar activity affects the magnetics of Earth and all of life on Earth. It feels like choppy energy to me and is challenging to navigate. It’s best to be still, to not over-reach, and to soften our expectations of ourselves and others. It’s not easy to do when we have responsibilities that include taking care of people, but even just taking a few minutes to sit and focus on our breath and our heart will help us feel more stability within the chaotic energy.
A day after the solar wind storm, the shadow energy began to lift, and it felt like there was a huge magnet that was drawing out all the stuff I’ve been working on in this life – clearing, healing, releasing. Does it ever get totally cleared? Perhaps I will always be dancing with the darkness of self-doubt and fear, but each time I surrender to it, it becomes less. I could feel it being drawn out of me and I realized that the shadow elements are the guardians at the gate – the threshold guardians that rear up to challenge us as we are about to cross another threshold into our greater being – the deeper fullness of our truth. As we continue on our journey into wholeness, we are tested by our own fears and demons.
I feel the only way to deal with these moments is to surrender. Surrender to it all and become nothing. Losing my “self”, my story, surrendering to being flattened by the steamroller of my intention to awaken as a spiritual warrior, is a total letting go of everything I’ve chosen to identify with. There is so much freedom in becoming nothing. Resistance only prolongs the pain and turmoil. I see myself as being flattened into liquid and flowing over that threshold like a waterfall. On the other side of the threshold, I observe myself sitting on a rock in the sun as the water flows all around me. I am the water, too, and the rock and the sun. I am all of the All, I am eternal, I am that I am.
Then the journey continues and I take a few steps forward and then I want to write this Vibe Report and work on some paintings, but maybe with a looser grasp on what I think I’m “supposed” to be doing with this life. And so life continues, but who is that DO-ing person? Who is writing this? Who paints the paintings? Who? Who?
Then stuff happens and the person who is me has to deal with my dog who had a fatal encounter with a porcupine (fatal for the poor porcupine) and so chaos continues and life goes on and the person I identify with as me, deals with what comes up and then there are more gray, cold days where I don’t want to leave the house. Moments of upliftment are followed by moments in the mud again! “Remember the Vastness,” I remind myself, remember the vastness of my being. Remember the I AM. And so it goes.
Every time I go through these threshold moments, I forget everything. I forget the vastness of my being and instead feel tethered to the feeling of being compressed and stretched at the same time. But this is OK – this is when the truth gets processed. When immersed in the shadow, that’s all there is, I can’t see the sun of my consciousness. The light of my being can’t reach through the murk of the shadow and, as the poem above states, it feels like there is no relief, no end. Of course, that’s not true, because everything is changing all the time, but it feels that way when we’re in the shadow. All we can really do is surrender to the darkness and each time we come to the threshold, we surrender more quickly and are able to flow through the threshold more gracefully. We have lots of chances to practice this because it keeps happening over and over as we rise higher and higher.
Solar activity, such as solar flares, coronal mass ejections, and solar wind, combined with the weakening of the Earth’s magnetosphere is ongoing, creating feelings of depression, anxiety, and hopelessness. Lower back pain – all kinds of physical pain, as well as headaches, heart palpitations and difficulty sleeping are part of our physical reaction to the magnetic storms. Knowing this can help us to navigate the choppy energies.
As always, breath work (pranayama) can help us to stabilize if we’re feeling anxiety. Conscious breathing while doing yoga or qi gong, meditation – even if just for brief moments throughout the day – helps us to find a calm, centered state of peace. It’s not easy – we’re in a very deeply changing world and it isn’t going to be letting up any time soon.
Conflict and Change
Our world – as in our societies and the structure of all of the systems that we’ve come to rely on – is wobbling, collapsing, and transforming. Looking at events happening in the world, I’m seeing a lot of people rising up and demanding to be heard, demanding and creating change, saying No More Lies. #Me Too and #Time’s Up is expanding and growing into a broader spectrum. More and more people are feeling discontent with the status quo and wanting to create something more meaningful with their lives, besides chasing the money and things money can buy. Many are feeling the limitation of the money matrix as it barely goes far enough to pay the bills and put food on the table. The disparity between those who have the big money, compared to those who are struggling to hold it together while being part of what is holding up the system, is palpable. In other words, there is a parasitic energy that is sucking dry the beings who have been working to uphold the very system that is bleeding them dry. This is not sustainable and Humanity is beginning to feel it deeply.
We will be seeing more and more people standing up, in unity, demanding accountability and action.
The change is everywhere. It is cosmic and it is right here in our “little” lives on Earth. Feeling into compassion in our hearts, connecting with one another, finding unity, helping one another, doing what feels good to our hearts and soul, focusing on positive, loving kindness is what will help us to live together in this changing world. Love is the frequency of the Universe and the frequency of life. Allowing love to flow within us – love, compassion, appreciation, gratitude – is what will help us to navigate through the changes on Earth.
What We Feed Ourselves
I have talked with so many people who can’t stand to watch the usual “entertainment” anymore because the stories are all filled with violence. NO MORE is being heard throughout our consciousness and the voice of NO MORE is growing in volume. What we feed our minds and hearts, in addition to what we feed our bodies, is of utmost importance in our creative collective consciousness.
Through these changes that we are creating, we will soon be seeing more positive, enriching, inspiring and empowering types of entertainment. We have a growing understanding that when we watch a movie or television show, read a book, play a video game, and so on, the emotions that the stories cause us to feel are interpreted by our brain as real, so our brain sends the chemical reactions through our bodies to deal with the “reality” we are choosing to experience – through entertainment. Then, we witness and experience events in the outer world that reflect what we are focusing on and feeling within. This is how we collectively create our reality. So we, as beings of divine source energy, can create anything.
The Goddess is Rising
I am seeing, with inner sight, a tidal wave of light sweeping through our consciousness as the energy of the Divine Feminine is rising within all of us, young, old, male, female, spurred on by the shifting magnetic frequencies. We are losing our identity as all we thought was true is being revealed as false. This is just the beginning. Within the disorder and chaos is a great wave of churning joy and release, because this wave brings freedom. HUmanity is rising on this wave of unity and awareness. We are learning to surf by letting go of what is not our truth. Over and over again. Let us be of support to one another as we ride the wild surf of change. United we stand.
Copyright © 2020 by Nancy Wallace Ward (aka Leilah). All rights reserved for my original images and written material. Permission is granted to freely redistribute this article as long as it is kept intact and the author’s name and website www.integralsoul.love are included.