Courage

Sometimes we have to listen to the voice within and let it be heard; it’s a part of us after all. I did that last night, I was the lowest I’ve been in many many months and I felt myself slip into the gap between here and there, feeling no life within me and questioning my desire to carry on breathing. For a fleeting moment – that felt like an eternity – I didn’t want to be here anymore; I had nothing left.

Writing about pain is unquestionably easier than swirling uncontrollably in a deep pit of it. Admitting one’s vulnerability and owning all of one’s cracks and blemishes can be excruciating as there’s nowhere to hide in the mirror to the soul. Of course, we can try to distract ourselves and try not to look, but the truth has an irritating habit of not going away quietly.

As I tumbled into the pain within my heart and soul, I took a deep breath and stopped clinging on so tightly, I then took another deep breath, lifted up my arms and dived head-first into the turmoil. It felt strangely liberating to dive into the pain as it’s something we’re trained to instinctively resist as a survival strategy.

In truth, I resisted the pain within for years. As a result, I was unable to touch it, feel it or articulate it. I found out the hard way that resistance is futile. I spent years stuffing pain deeper and deeper within as it created layer after layer of detritus. As the depth of the layers grew, the pressure created a solid barrier akin to sediments slowly turning to rock. I was no longer able to reach the pain and I numbed to it. When I went through my year of breakthrough, those layers smashed apart as though a wrecking ball had hit me hard in the solar plexus and sent me spinning into a new dimension in eternity. I shattered and entered a kind of spiritual oblivion but I re-emerged renewed and re-connected to my core. I had to want to re-emerge though, that was crucial.

On the whole, I feel much stronger these days but when I feel myself falling, which, as last night shows, still happens fairly frequently, I no longer try to build walls to protect myself, I let go instead. When I look within, the pain and grief have etched deep engravings on my heart and soul, but those scars are a part of me, they enhance and enrich the tapestry of my life because they are a part of my life. An unblemished masterpiece shows no depth and no richness.

During my chapter of breakthrough, when the doors to my self-created prison burst open, I felt exquisitely vulnerable and exposed. Instinct told me to run, to fight and to resist, but I couldn’t as I’d reached a point of exhaustion: I had nothing left. Although I wriggled, fought and struggled like mad, I got nowhere. In the end I was forced into a point of breakthrough but instead of being the catastrophe I thought it would be, it allowed me to be wholeheartedly me for the first time ever. These days I don’t resist, and I allow the natural ebb and flow of my soul and my emotions to run free.

So, when I listened to that small, quiet voice within me last night, I didn’t fight, instead I listened to it, loved it, went into the pain and stayed with it. I allowed it to have a voice rather than trying to ignore or dismiss it, hoping it would go away. This wasn’t wallowing, it was consciously facing my ‘what is’ in that moment exactly as it was. That part of me needed to be heard and I willingly gave it a voice.

Courage comes in all shapes and sizes, and for me, it comes from my willingness to breathe deeply into my pain and choose to carry on. Courage isn’t always about standing up, fighting and ‘roaring’. Putting these words onto paper and then posting them on this blog has taken more courage than I ever thought possible. After all, in this perfection-seeking world, admitting one’s frailties means acknowledging one’s imperfections out loud. It’s one thing admitting these to myself but quite another sharing it with anyone who may happen upon these words.

Maybe it’s shame or embarrassment, but more likely it’s a feeling of not being the ‘smiley, happy, holding-it-all-together-Sarah’ I like to believe myself to be. Of course, 99% of the time (okay, maybe 98%!), I am content, but when life gets too much, I acknowledge it and allow the experience to flow freely. This is my path to wholeness as it allows me to be me.

Some may feel that even the occasional re-appearance of such exquisite pain and fragility is a sign of imbalance (and it is) but I’m human and life isn’t clear cut or black and white. Much of the time I live in the shades of grey and blurred lines of doing the best I can in any given moment.

Most days I smile and push on through the pain and dysfunction. Stoicism has its drawbacks of course but ask anyone living with a long-term chronic condition and they’ll be wearing their smile well, covering over the cracks in the pavement of their lives, keeping the pain relatively well hidden behind the closed curtains of everyday life.

For me, acknowledging my moments of fragility and allowing myself to be present in them is important as it reminds me I’m alive and still human. These moments are opportunities for me to get ever closer to my core and to be fully in touch with myself. They are not a time for being with others, they are a time for being wholly and completely with myself. So, ‘courage doesn’t always roar’, for me, courage is acknowledging my vulnerability, giving it a voice and embracing my imperfections as valid and precious facets of my being…

‘Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.’ Mary Anne Radmacher
Tags:

Comments

happyodg 6th June 2016 9:18 am

Beautifully expressed Sarah. Thank you for sharing what i have felt so frequently through my life.
Blessings and love to you
Katy

Meardis Wells 6th June 2016 9:43 am

Thank you so much for this piece. We on the outside of your life make assumptions about who you are and how we all strive to be like you - master teacher. You reminded us that life has a "paddle for every human behind" and its our work to embrace it no matter how painful the experience. Much Love

Anni 6th June 2016 10:18 am

Thank you Sarah-Jane. Continued courage to you. <3

FresnoHye 6th June 2016 1:16 pm

Thank You. I was in that same gap, and I will maintain the courage I need.

Debm 6th June 2016 1:33 pm

Thank you Sarah for being authentic. Your words were perfect and a wonderful reminder to be kind to ourselves. You have a team of light beings always watching out for you in every moment. You will forever be perfect in their eyes. Wrap your arms around yourself in appreciation of you. You help many with your beautiful words. Sending love and light!!!!

qw33nb33 6th June 2016 1:34 pm

I have gone through the exact same thing this weekend. So good to know that I am not the only one. I can feel that I am to continue feeling all that is there without worrying what it's all about. It's time to release the feeling of thinking that I have to hold back how I really felt to begin with all those many years ago. I can remember being told to not cry, not to be scared, and not to feel the way that I did.
What i I have come to learn is that I was not wrong for feeling the way that I did and that I had a right to my own feelings as, they were MY feelings to begin with. Thank you for sharing your authentic self, the world needs to do more of that in order to become fully free of who they were told they had to be.
Thank you for your courage. Thank you brave heart.

Deeni 6th June 2016 3:02 pm

Dear Sarah-Jane,

Thank You for sharing this message, and Thank You for all that you do. I wanted you to know that I immediately Thanked God for my healthy body, after reading this.

Yes, I have pain that you describe so well, however, mine isn't so much physical, as it is personal/emotional. I too have felt like picking my ball up and just going home.

You're right, you do have to go right through it, feel it, experience it, and then let it go.

When I let it go, I surrender whatever it is, to a Higher Power, and give them permission to deal with it. Like Einstein said "You cannot solve a problem from the same plane it was created", so I acknowledge it, process it, and send it off to be turned into a star, or something. I feel when I embrace the situation, and Trust, it works out way better for everyone concerned. It may not at all look like what I had anticipated, although it is always wonderful.

Please remember, when you get to feeling low, I love you, I look forward to your messages, your purpose is clear to me.

Much Love, Light, and Inner Peace to All. : )

Jarusel 6th June 2016 3:19 pm

So true, so poignant and so touching.. so all of us..
John

deborahuk 6th June 2016 5:19 pm

Wonderful honesty Sarah. Thank you for risking not wearing 'the mask'. So many onion skins removed, so much experience and knowledge and still we have these down times...Oh good :-\\\\ , yet another opportunity to practise being kind and patient with myself! I too have had a very low point in recent days...I don't use cards much anymore but felt to take an Osho card: the teaching was about feeling your feelings! So thank you for reminding me again how important it is.
Wishing you every blessing.

ShelleyT 6th June 2016 6:51 pm

Thank you your candidness ... It a relief to know one is not alone, with such feelings... However... Don't you love that word..,? I do feel that, planets & energies are ramped up exponentially right now, & if souls are highly sensitive, life will be like treading thru land minds .... In your head, heart or energy field...
Namaste

Skyhawke8 7th June 2016 8:12 am

Sarah,

You wrote this for me.

Standing with presence through the pain that moves through us is part of what some of us signed up for in this shift of the ages.

Thank you for this beautifully written and heartfelt reminder.
Thank you for letting me know I'm not alone.

You have added your light to the courage that resides in me, rekindling that flame to give me the spark necessary to rise up, move through and transmute my own sacred experience, which sometimes includes this kind of pain.

The kind of pain that crushes and kills ... until it turns into a smile and vanishes once I embrace it with my complete, unadulterated, pure loving presence.

You are a beautiful writer with a beautiful soul and I love you my sister for all that you are.

Thank you
Namaste~
:smitten:

shapeshifter 7th June 2016 10:05 am

"Pain is the breaking of the shell which encloses your understanding."

K. Gibran

Sarahmond 7th June 2016 10:35 am

Thank you Sarah for being you. You have touched my heart with your depth and honesty .
When I feel and move through pain it actually feels like I'm dying and it's not until I have re emerged so to speak that I find inner peace and know more of who I am .

Loads of love Sarah

Sarah-Jane Grace 8th June 2016 12:34 am

Thank you all for your beautiful messages. It's deeply touching to know just how much love, compassion and support are around. Sometimes being honest, open and vulnerable is the only obvious pathway, and although this brings risk, it also has the potential to bring exquisite joy as well. Life can be inherently complicated and challenging at times but knowing we do not stand alone makes such a difference. Courage comes in many forms and I thank each of you for your courage, your honesty and your compassion.

With love,

Sarah-Jane

Amelia18 17th June 2016 4:58 am

This an extremely impactful, touching piece of writing. I would love to hear more on this: 'I had to want to re-emerge though, that was crucial.' From the depth that you have written here, I feel that your writing about this could be very helpful. I know about it from the head, but it is in the the heart spaces, and in the belly, the authenticity of living it and reflecting light back, that I would love to hear.

Thank you.

Advertisement

Keep updated with Spirit Library

Author Information

Sarah-Jane Grace

Sarah-Jane Grace has a passion to inspire and empower others. She is a life-long intuitive and a modern-day mystic and wayshower; illuminating both the path to Self and the path ahead in order to instil confidence into the hearts and souls of others. Sarah-Jane works from the heart and speaks from the soul, and opens up to the essence of the cosmos for inspiration and guidance.

Advertisement

Sarah-Jane Grace Archives