As the year comes to a close I tend to go more and more inward and become reflective. What has come to the surface is my need to control. I’ve never felt safe in life. I’ve always worried about the other shoe dropping or waiting for things to go wrong. When things are going good I worry about what may happen. I always try to stay ahead of the game and try to fix things.
Here are the ways that I tend to exert my need to control in order to make things seem like they are safe. I want to help the people I love with their issues. I give myself negative self-talk in the areas I fall short that berate myself to the point that I’m self-loathing. I try to solve problems before they become big issues but then I’m so busy focusing on what could happen that I’m not living in the present moment. I cause more conflict trying to help then if I let things work themselves out.
Here’s what I learned this year. I’m trying too hard. I need to let others live their own lives and figure things out for themselves. I basically made those I was trying to help nuts in my misguided efforts! Not only can I not save anyone but everyone learns from their own experiences, in their own way, in their owning timing, not mine. I need to focus on myself and not worry so much about others. What I may see as a good way may not work or be the right approach for another person. I can only love myself and them unconditionally and without judgment.
The bad things that happen tend to be the ones I didn’t even know were coming and the ones that I wracked my brain over never even manifested. My need to control is an illusion. We really have no control in this Universe other than over our own thoughts, feelings, and actions.
Not trusting someone in a relationship is detrimental to myself. You can not control how someone else will react in a situation, if they will cheat or lie, or if it’s forever. You just never freaking know and by worrying so much about what may or could happen only takes away from my own peace of mind and enjoyment of what I have.
I must love and accept myself completely. This is who I am in this moment. I can improve what I can but I can also just let myself be. I’m growing older. I will never be who I was. I’ve grown as a person and in lots of ways I’m a much better person than I was. Yes I’m fatter, grayer, more wrinkled, crotchety, tired, and easily overwhelmed. With the good comes the bad. Thinking that I am only worthy of love if I’m the way I think I should be is an effort in futility. As far as my inner mechanisms, well that’s always a work in progress!
So for today, going forward, I let go of this thing called control. I relax into what is. I let people and situations settle in and take shape as they will. Life is a journey and I choose to be peaceful and show love in any way that I can.
Dear God and the Angels may you remove my desire to control things. Help me not worry so much by calming my thoughts and emotions. Please show ways in accepting peace. Guide me the way forward without constantly looking back. I ask for and accept a complete healing on all levels. And so it is. Amen.