So, as many of you know, I got Covid-19 in March of 2020 and then after about three weeks, I thought I was well and returned to work. Until I crashed, which happened very promptly and then I began to have LongCovid -- wave upon wave of new symptoms, worsening health and here we are, 20+ months later. Still not recovered. And likely living with chronic illness.
This experience has been many things. Hard for sure. Yet also a blessing. Yes, really. I cannot sum it up in a post, and there is much to say, but what I want to talk about today is this theme I'm noticing in my own life and in the current communication from other spiritual teachers and leaders.
The theme is: I AM A MESS and I AM DIVINE (and I know it).
This is a wonderful trend, to be honest, and such a relief, right? To actually not only love ourselves more and more unconditionally, but to realize we’re not meant to be perfect. Or to meet some external ideals. We’re meant to be who we are, now. Period.
It's also pretty amazing that it's starting to shine through. To me, this is a healthy and wonderful alternative to spiritual bypassing. It's also an alternative to thinking you can control everything in life. And it's an alternative to the crazy woo-woo belief that evolving and expanding your consciousness makes your life perfect. Or that spiritual growth will ultimately land us in a life where our bodies have no issues, and meet some external ideal and we have boatloads of money and everything we want. (OMG)
. . .
Long before I got Covid, I was deep in a personal transformation that began when I started to explore my relationship to manifesting and surrender. I had practiced allowing for some time, but began to realize there was a deeper longing within me. And in fact, I wrote about it saying: I want to let what wants to flow through me, be expressed. That is what my life is about. That is what called to me.
As I opened to this inner call to deepen my devotion to Life Itself and open up to more flow, I began to learn and practice offering -- offering my challenges, my life, my hopes, my struggles, to my own wholeness, to Life Itself. And letting go. Giving up the notion that everything can be figured out and fixed. In essence for me, this is a shift from relying upon the mind and philosophies that tell us we can create whatever we want and the Universe is like a vending machine, here to give us what we want.
I began to feel deeply from within that my life was in fact, not about learning to manifest and control my mood, that, rather, my life — this beautiful experience — is a vehicle for my SOUL. And that I, being an emanation of my soul, am centered in a free will zone where this cannot fully happen — a soul-led life — without my permission, repeatedly. To live a soul-led life requires my active participation and collaboration. I realized I had to choose to invite it and to change. To learn to be different. To cultivate living in such a way that I can participate in this multidimensional expression with skill, clarity and resonance.
This was more difficult than I imagined it would be. Especially when I started craving to give my WHOLE LIFE over to the Infinite Oneness. And allow. But I couldn’t stop. I want it, dearly and completely. I’ve shared how I used to pray in these days. Praying being new for me too. I found myself saying things before bed that I had no idea why I was saying. Praying, “Divine Beloved — burn me up! Just burn off everything that’s not who I truly am.” And when I prayed for this the longing was consuming. It was deep inner devotion coming online for me.
I now know that the SOUL within me was beginning to take over. To drive my choices, to shape my desires in sync with the larger vision for this life. How thankful I am for this. That somehow I got to the state where my Divine Self, the Eternal ME somehow just began to rise up within me and direct what I was focusing upon.
Even still, I found I was scared to let go. I liked being in control, or at least having that illusion. I wasn't sure I actually trusted LIFE, or my SOUL to give me what I wanted, or what I would enjoy. I now see this in many of my clients too. I realize how normal it is to project our distrust and hurt from those we love, from those we have been close to in relationship, or relied upon when we truly needed help (as children while still dependent). I realize how early on when we were hurt in childhood we learned to shut down our inner connection, so as to not feel our feelings and then we begin to take control in any way we could, to manage our experiences. And we do this as adults too. Until we realize it, it continues. And even realizing it doesn’t make it go away, we have to re-learn how to open and allow, how to honor and take care of ourselves with adult wisdom and boundaries, while also learning that allowing Life Itself is NOT the same as a bad relationship, or a limited parent passing on their wounds and issues.
In life if we don't unravel and gradually pry our hands off the control panel, we actually limit ourselves and our potentially abundant and fulfilling connection with the Infinite is limited. For that relationship depends on openness and flow. So this inner awakening that wanted to completely open and allow was guiding me back into right relationship with Life and with myself.
. . .
So back to the Eclipse Cycle + LongCovid learnings of this moment... I have been in a terrible flare since Sunday. Migraines and vertigo. Dizziness. Feeling really nauseated and ill. The medicines that abort the migraines worked and I used them 5 times in 3 days. But they left me with other issues, worsening my tachycardia, making my orthostatic intolerance much worse and bringing on my least favorite symptom: brain fog. I got very discouraged.
But then, this morning, I meditated. And in meditation, suddenly the idea occurred to me to take a round of steroids, which I promptly started (they’re my emergency meds so I have them on hand). Shortly after taking them, I started feeling better. The clarity of how to act was right there when I sat still, and let go. Opening inwardly. #thankful
Then, I saw some posts about how messy life is for some of my friends and thinkers/teachers/writers I read and follow. There have been a lot of these lately. I’ve been enjoying them, but today something within me opened and changed. I had a big shift. I saw myself in their posts and I began to lighten up. I realized I could relax into how messy my life is. How much is undone. I could just be a human — a messy and evolving human, with chronic illness and lots of things I want to do that I can’t yet get to. And with lots of things I love doing and do well. I calmed down and begin to feel happy.
I began to feel spacious and open. Then I found the key idea in the last post I read. It was a beautiful one and included the idea to:
REST IN THE WAY THINGS ARE.
And my reading of that freed and released me! I felt my whole being/body soften and relax and I knew: THIS is the way forward for me now.
This is the only way forward that feels right to me. Just accepting what is, how my body is, where I am at. And resting in ALL of it. What a smart idea! What a gift to my body. Wow. And there is PEACE in this approach!
Right then I embraced it! I choose (again) to let go of trying to figure it out, I let go (again) of trying to control the things I cannot control.
I thought about what resting is. Relaxing. Refreshing. Renewing strength. Ceasing to engage in strenuous activity.
I see how this way, RESTING in the way things are, actually means giving up the fight. And (can it be true?) actually finding that the present can nourish me, as it is, if I allow it.
I can see how this way forward gives so much to me! Many more moments of acceptance, and peacefully being alive. “Letting everything be,” (the recurring message from the Council of Radiant Light and my Divine Self now rang true in a much deeper way.)
When I can do things, I do them. When I can’t, I can’t -- so that is just how it is. And I can rest in both. And also I am curious to see... what happens when I give up control, or the illusion of control even more?
What if we’re not meant to be in control? What if life is about the heart, not the head? What if we’re not supposed to be perfect? Not supposed to create the perfect work, or the perfect body, the perfect relationship or the perfect hairstyle.
What if we’re glorious AS IS?
This isn’t even rhetorical for me, because I KNOW it’s TRUTH. I know it deeply and without explanation.
So why is it so hard to love ourselves this way?
So many thoughts on this… Of course… And we each have our own reasons, our own stories that interfere with just loving our gloriousness as is and instead of fixing and cleaning up our messes, we could just be curious about our present. We could open to the beauty here and to what is happening to us. Allowing ourselves to RECEIVE LIFE, moment to moment to moment.
Loving ourselves and being courageous enough to feel what we do feel. Letting it flow. Knowing everything is temporary and allowing it.
And when we have the energy and clarity, acting, and when we don’t being. And daring to believe it’s all okay as it is. And maybe there is a way to practice knowing and believing that all of is is nourishing us. All of it is LIFE GIVING. Isn’t it?
When I allow my life to be as it is —messy because in truth, right now, it is SO messy — I relax. I feel easier and lighter. I feel relieved. And maybe it’s always going to be messy. What if? I kinda think so. And so I’m letting go of ever getting on top of everything as an aspiration. And instead realizing I’m a CREATOR and it’s messy is here, AND I am divine. Both, and. Or maybe this is just the nature of life in general? Beginnings and endings overlapping and lots of unfinished business everywhere. I kinda think so.
I mean LOOK AT THE WORLD. LOOK AT YOUR OWN LIFE.
Isn’t it like this? Of course it is. Geez-Louise.
How crazy do we make ourselves thinking we need to get on top of it all. How exhausting.
Can you see how there is so much messaging in the world telling you that this should be what matters? That you should focus on “making things look good or together” and we won’t even go into how much this is used to make you buy thing. (Oy)
I can feel, too, how this is a deepening of knowing how significant I am. Believing I matter, no matter what I’m doing, or not doing. Just because I AM. You too! You matter regardless. Oh, dear beloved friends, why TF do we make it all so hard and crazy when it’s already crazy and hard (and beautiful)? Why don’t we bring to it spaciousness and wonder. Allowing and receiving. Deep appreciation for our own strength and courage in not giving up in the hard times and daring to continue to seek ways of living and being that feel true and right?
What if, what we need right now is here? Despite all appearances?
And Life Itself can be trusted and allowed, to deliver. And we can focus on receiving the moment, in whatever way feels right to us. Sometimes I receive what is unfolding with anger and disappointment. Sometimes I’m overjoyed. Sometimes I am just tired. Isn’t all of that okay?
“Oh, God. Please. Let it be okay. Because I’m so tired of trying to change it…”
Of course it’s okay.
Because those moments pass and here we are. Alive, open and continuing.
And here I am: Reflecting on all this and writing. Sharing with you and maybe you too, see yourself in some of this. I hope it’s useful in some way. I hope maybe you’re laughing a little, or smiling? And at least feeling some relief. Or ease that may not have been there before. And maybe too, hope for joy and more sweetness.
We are One, friends. May we all be blessed with more rest and more generous self-loving. That’s all I’ve got right now.
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