Sometimes I have brief moments of carefree abandon when I feel uninhibited by the shackles of being human and I touch on something so exquisite and so precious it takes my breath away. These fleeting moments instil a sense of hope and passion in me, an awareness of the magic that’s inherent within the universe. It’s easy to get lost in the humdrum of the day-to-day as it’s a hard slog and, once we get sucked in, we can find it hard to navigate our way out. Most don’t notice these moments of abandon as the distractions of life cloud the view but when we do notice them we begin to see the gap between where we are and where we intuitively know we need to be. Maybe it’s easier not to notice as once we have awoken to the bigger picture we can’t switch it off again.
When I first started to notice these moments, they seemed indecipherable as they were infinitesimally small but, over time, the more I noticed them, the longer the moments became as they gently lingered in my consciousness and I now often find myself immersed in a hazy hue of abandon where my soul is vibrant, alive and I’m dancing. Admittedly, I’m dancing on my own but I don’t feel alone as I feel fully connected and plugged in as though I can hear every breath, every heartbeat and every thought of every being that’s ever existed or will exist. It’s heady but it’s exquisite at the same time. I love the freedom of letting my soul dance but, in truth, it’s still a bit stilted: a kind of ‘no dance’ hovering on the edge of the party, doing the odd hand jive or foot tap but nothing more. I’ve never been one to be at the centre of the throng as I’ve preferred a more cautious approach of not wanting to look like the village idiot. It never occurred to me until recently that the village idiot is the lucky one – to live carefree and happy, not to conform and to be true to oneself.
Although there’s no code of conduct with soul dancing I can’t help but feel the need to hold myself back. I’ve always done that: stood on the edge, quietly watching, waiting, my stoical reserve placing me in shackles. Yet inside I want to shimmy and dad dance with total abandon and not give a hoot who might be watching. Yet, however much I want to let go, I can’t: a wave of perplexing anxiety swells up within me and I stay still, frozen on the spot.
I’m the first to admit I’m a bag of complexity wrapped up in skin but I frustrate me! Being human doesn’t make for an easy life as we think, analyse and over-pick just about everything. My inhibition filters into all aspects of my life as though I’m constantly holding my breath in, just a little bit, in quiet anticipation of needing to quickly withdraw in case it all gets too much. Whilst things have eased over the years, I still haven’t mastered the art of completely letting go. I just can’t bring myself to do it. It feels like sitting on an aeroplane waiting to jump (with a parachute!): I want to but the fear seduces me and keeps me clinging on by my finger nails. Yet, the moments of abandon still call me: they flow in and out of my life with increasing regularity. One of these days I’ll have the courage to leap wholeheartedly onto the dance floor of life and let my jive do the talking…